Vulnerable post; The feeling of not being Puerto Rican enough
I knew it would happen. It was inevitable. If I'm being honest, I'm surprised it took this long.
This week I was at a work event here in Puerto Rico in San Juan. As I was waiting around in the lobby, I saw someone who was part of the event, so as one typically does at these types of things, I tried to strike up a conversation. I quickly found out she was also based in Puerto Rico and told her I lived here as well. She switched to Spanish, “So, tu erres Boricua?” “Si, soy Boricua, pero crecida en Colorado.” I’ve practiced telling people this. My Spanish is wrong in this sentence. I also don’t have the beautiful rhythmic Boricua accent. And she immediately stopped talking to me.
We were the only two people in the hotel lobby, sitting across from each other and she heard my Spanish, pulled out her phone and disengaged from the conversation. Just to make sure she knew I noticed, I made another attempt at conversation. “Are you based here in San Juan?” “Yes, are you too?” she asked not looking up from her phone or making eye contact. I said I was based in Aguadilla and she barely acknowledged me. So I got up and stood in another part of the lobby.
I cannot say for sure why she disengaged, but I can say what it felt like. It felt like I wasn’t Puerto Rican enough for her to bother getting to know any more about me, which can be a typical tension here on the island. There is tension between Puerto Ricans born and raised here, and those of us raised outside. Taking it a step further, there is also a very special tension reserved for Nuyoricans. I straddle a couple of those worlds; born in the Bronx, to a Puerto Rican father born in Brooklyn, and a mother born on the island but raised in the Bronx since she was 8 years old. All of that would make me Nuyorican had we not moved to Colorado when I was 4. So, what am I? I still consider myself Boricua. But as someone with serious people pleasing tendencies thanks to a lifetime to emotional and verbal abuse from my parents, I cannot have an experience like the one with a person I described above without it putting into question my every fiber.
I will say, the more time I spend here, the deeper I feel my privilege. I have called into question why I even want to be here, why I even hope to buy property here one day. My entire experience and love for this place has been as a visitor. Granted, when I say visitor I do not mean to a resort hotel, I mean to my grandmother’s house in Quebradillas, or my father’s family’s homes in Cabo Rojo. In my opinion, two of the most beautiful towns on the island (and I will be writing more in-depth about each town in later posts). But, I have always been a visitor, never having to truly deal with the depths of the issues here. I also come with a remote job and poodle-mix dog, it’s practically the neo-colonial gentrifier starter pack.
So it does call into question, what do I really hope to accomplish here? And why did I pick here specifically to do this work? I picked here because I felt a need to explore this part of my roots and this island that lives deeply in my DNA, even if I’ve never actually lived here. I haven’t been prioritizing nourishing my body with good food and physical activity, nor have I been taking care of my mind and spirit. I think I haven’t been doing that internal work because I’ve been concerned with what am I doing to prove I am part of this place, and a contributing member of this community. Which has paralyzed me to a point where I am doing neither.
As I was walking and thinking about this, something came to me; The version of you in those peoples minds and opinions doesn’t exist. It isn’t even real. The only real you is right here, right now. That helped unburden my mind when it felt weighed down by what others must think of me. This was a great reminder to recenter my goals and start asking myself; who am I when I’m here? What about her view of me should I use to learn? Am I the person of that woman’s assumptions or am I the person right here, right now, trying to do her best?
I giving myself the gift of time and space to figure it out.